Flashbacks - What are they like?
The flooded road is the exact same as in my childhood. The bus stops as roaring water shoves my now 14-year-old body to the left. Ice cold on my skin.
The water is deep, rapid, the bus passengers now confused cattle. That mucky water taste, dirt up my nose.
The jolt of fear is like electricity.
This is a Flashback
Sensory, it is a memory which is physically experienced
It is not necessarily visual. A flashback can be a:
Smell (e.g., shaving cream)
Touch on my skin when no one is touching me (e.g., hands)
A noise which my brain misinterprets (e.g., thunder = gunshot)
A combination of some or all of the above
Flashbacks are rapid and last for just seconds
It can take very little to trigger a flashback
It can be something as simple as a smell
Flashbacks are not easily controlled or predictable
My Flashbacks …
Are like being suddenly sucked into a tunnel and almost immediately shoved back into the present
They are very clear, very real
I cannot distinguish present from the past
The environment changes
People around me may ‘turn into’ someone else. I do not recognise them. They become someone from the past
Objects and scenery may alter
e.g., furniture may ‘rearrange’ itself so that it looks like a room in my past
My senses become confused
The more senses involved in the flashback, the more real it is
I experience touch, smells, tastes, noises which are illusionary but very real to me
The most distressing flashbacks are those where I experience touch on my skin
I am hyperalert for danger
My brain has tunnel vision
I am barely aware of anything around me because I am focused on wherever I perceive the threat to be
I experience intense emotion
Most commonly terror
The emotion lasts much longer than the flashback
How I React During a Flashback
Instinctively - I react without being aware of it, no opportunity to pause and think
e.g., drop to the ground, freeze, sweat, shake, run, pull/push people to ‘safety’
I may warn people around me about perceived danger (e.g., can you smell smoke?)
In the past I would self-harm to stop the sensations I could feel on my skin
Occasionally I dissociate
After the flashback has ended
I feel:
Exhausted
Embarrassed or ashamed
Disorientated
Residual fear which can last hours
I experience momentary unreality (which can be described in so many ways):
Like bumping my head and feeling dazed
Like a mirage has faded away
Like the ground beside me has been struck by lightening, and the rumbling and shaking continues for several seconds after the flashback ends
Like there has been a tear in reality
Like I have just woken from a heavy, detailed dream
The memory may linger hours or days
During a flashback I cannot process both the present and the past simultaneously
So may not remember parts of conversations or what was happening around me in the present
What I Need from You
Your voice is one of your most important tools
If (and only if) I have a good relationship with you, your voice = safety
It is the sound of your voice which is important – not so much the content
No need for fancy words or interesting topics
I ‘follow’ your voice
Helps re-orientate me to the present
Engage me in conversation which requires more than ‘yes’/’no’ answers (e.g., “describe what you can see around you”)
Be curious
Rather than being dismissive, be curious
Let me describe what I just experienced
e.g., What did I see? How do I feel?
Asking me about the flashback will:
Reduce embarrassment and shame
Counteract some of the fear associated with the memory
Address fear
Confirm that I am safe
Remind me that it happened in the past and now it is over. It is just a memory
Help me deal with residual fear by taking slow, deep breaths with me
Be mindful of how you move
Sudden movement or deliberately making a loud noise to ‘bring me out of it’ is counterproductive
Remember that I may not recognise you – for an instant in time, in my mind you may be someone else – e.g., an abuser
When Alone, I Have Strategies of my Own to Deal with Flashbacks
To re-orientate:
I may try to get rid of perceived smells – e.g., use air freshener
Deliberately naming objects which are around me
To deal with residual fear:
Writing down the memory to get it out of my head
Wrapping myself in a blanket
Sitting in a quiet place
The jolt of fear roars out of my childhood, and then there is just a suburban bus and a group of passengers impatient to get home. I am now sitting in a seat to the right.
My clothes are dry. Nothing is wet. The water has gone.
But not the acid taste of fear.
Originally written May, 2019